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Wants and Needs

by Dommanator - 21.03.2004

All humans have a universal standard for physical and psychological, emotional well being. This document will concentrate on the less evident psychological, emotional, needs in the bdsm context and how to determine the want from a need.

The dominate and submissive must carefully contemplate their needs and wants then relay these to the partner. These include psychological as well as physical and emotional needs and wants.
Needs and wants can easily be mistaken for one another, to be a want can, in reality, be a need. On the other hand, a voiced need can just as easily be a want. Only through deep reflection, insight and study can we determine our wants from needs.

Although we may negotiate our wants and desires, our needs should never be negotiated. To be a fulfilled person our basic physical and psychological, emotional needs have to be met. How often have we heard of someone not being happy in a relationship because the partner cannot keep a job. Although there partner may love them dearly there inability to provide the basic physical need (money) puts a strain on the relationship. This can be applied to the lesser thought of emotional and psychological needs. If one aspect of our emotional, psychological, needs aren't met this will put a strain on the relationship. We walk a fine line between our needs and wants and determining the difference between the two is one of the key elements in a healthy relationship. A compromise of our basic needs will in the end spell disaster for the relationship.

One of the responsibility's of the dominate is to determine the need from a want in himself as well as the submissive, and that the needs can be accepted and met. Needs from wants of the dominate must be realized before any real understanding can occur. Only after much soul searching and an understanding of your own needs can we begin to help the submissive understand there needs from wants. If we learn the needs and wants from the submissive and have no understanding of our own not only will this make it hard for your submissive to please you it will make it impossible to determine if he or she is a match.
Look at it as a journey we are taking if we don't have any idea where we are going or how to get there how will we ever arrive at our desired destination?
By having a clear understanding of our own needs from wants as well as the submissives we can map out a clear plan both partners understand. This is where the phrase "we must master ourselves before we can master others" comes to play.

One of the best ways to determine our own needs from wants is to make a written list. This list should be a careful study of ourselves our past reflection of how our needs weren't meet by others and why. Holding back because of how the other person might view your needs or wants as negative and not relaying that need or want is not being honest with yourself or the other person this could spell disaster for the relationship if the desire is a need and is not accepted or known. If our partner cannot accept the way we are the best course of action is to move on and find a submissive or dominate that best fits our needs and wants. Before determining what your needs from wants are a deeper understanding of the definition's as related to this document are needed. The same definition's should be used by both partners as not to cause confusion.

Want; In this definition something that is not needed; to have a strong desire for. Want that is not needed for physical, psychological, emotional happiness, but would be desirable. A wish; an option.

Need; physical, psychological, emotional requirement for the well-being of; a condition for mental well being, beyond a want or wish. Necessary;absolutely needed. Characteristic of or appropriate to a persons healthy or normal functioning.

Psycholgical; of or relating to the mind; specifically : of or relating to the total emotional and intellectual response of an individual to external reality 'mental health' b : of or relating to intellectual as contrasted with emotional activity

Emotion; a state of feeling c : a psychic and physical reaction (as anger or fear, love, sadness, joy) subjectively experienced as strong feeling

A written list with one side our wants and the other side our needs should be written down. This list should contain our physical and psychological needs and wants honesty and reflection of ourselves and what we need to be emotionally happy need to be kept in mind. Its best to start out with the basics that all humans need to survive and work from there. Water, food and sex would be basic physical needs that could go on the needs list. Although you could survive without sex most people find it appropriate to a persons healthy normal psychological, emotional well being. The individual will have to decide what is a need and what is a want as easy as this sounds it can be very complicated. Some wants can be so strong that it blurs our definition of needs from wants. This is where you need to reflect on your past and see if any patterns of behavior have caused you to act in some way. If you see a similar pattern of not getting what you want from your partner and the want is so strong that you day dream or crave it or perhaps are acting it out it may be a need.
Other examples of a need might not have anything to do with what your not physically getting from your partner it might just be a case of not getting understanding about a certain kink. Fear your partner won't understand and might look at it as a negative trait in you.

Once the list is completed it should contain a lot of personal information about yourself it should be a list you wouldn't show just anybody, it could be a list you don't want anyone to see. We sometimes have a hard time being honest with others and ourselves. Perhaps we don't want to hurt the one's we love so we withhold our true needs and wants or we feel they won't accept us as we are. Becoming a good dominate or submissive is about respect trust and honesty it's what the D/s relationship is based on. We have to decide to grow and trust and love have others accept us as we are. Only then can we be in an honest open symbiotic relationship. Knowing both our own needs and our submissives needs help us better understand ourselves and each other.

In conclusion I believe that a better understanding of our own psychological as well as physical and emotional needs and wants are needed for the dominate as well as the submissive. We all have to decide what we can live and live without. Love and understanding can overcome many things in our life perhaps in the end that is all we need.